How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
