you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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