Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
