I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
