Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
