I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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