Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
