Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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