can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
