i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
