Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
