two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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