god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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