This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize