Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
