Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
