we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
