i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
