Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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