make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
