if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize