We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
A bitchslap is in order.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
