I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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