Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
