nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize