hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
be right there i have to get my cape
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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