yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
