her vagine was all disorganized.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
