Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
