I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
