oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
