Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
