You're my little dorito
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got inside last night via doggy door
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
And then he peed in my hair
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