i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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