Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
