The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
