she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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