Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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