She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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