Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
