My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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