Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
