OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
