my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize