We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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