I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
