Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
