Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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