I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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