I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
