I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Are my feet made of real feet?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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