I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
