i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
