Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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