im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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