i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize