I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
