Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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