I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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